The Searching Heart

By Sanjana Kulkarni
sanjukul01@gmail.com

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I felt that amazing feeling of love and I knew that you were the one, even though, you were slowly slipping away

I begged and prayed, “Please do not go far away” 

I used to think about you all the time, but now I just cry, wishing I could see you one last time 

I used to talk about our past with people, but never did I once tell them, it was possible, our future

I almost succumbed and tried to forget about us, but now I cannot move on, I just have to hold on

I would swim in the deepest ocean and if I could fly across the tallest mountains, just to ask you, is there a future?

I can never imagine a future without you, I might just break and scream, “come back”

I can’t help it, I yearn for you all the time 

But at least I can hold on to those memories we shared, I won’t forget those, even though at times, I’m scared

But I will try, as hard as I can to hold on to those times 

my heart aches, it tremors and cries, with the hope for a future together, coming to an end, there is nothing more can we deny  

my heart still aches for you, somehow you are the perfect one, I realize, without you, I am nothing but a broken heart, 

I will forever cherish your smile, deep down in my heart. 

So I bid adieu to you, with my misty eyes ironically still searching for you 

Strange

By Sanjana Kulkarni.
sanjukul01@gmail.com

I am what some people call, “strange”
I wonder what they think is the norm
I hear bells, waves, and air
I see mountains, lakes, and little children running around to their hearts’ content

I come and go, greet and weep
I want to be able to conquer anything I take on
I am what some people call, “strange”

I sometimes pretend to be the healer, the helper, and the heart
I feel a connection with the birds around me
I touch people’s hearts, unknowingly,
I worry people may think it abnormal
So I ask, you and I are the same people, why do you think so?
I am what some people call, “strange”

I understand that life does not take turns as you wish
I believe that one day, I will be the person I aspire to be
I dream to be able to fly, where no one can stop me
I trust I will be able to find someone to spend the rest of my life with
I hope to find peace someday
But, I am what some people call, “strange”

I do talk to plants and animals alike,
I treat a man and a woman with equal rights
I pray, yet call myself an atheist,
I wonder what the norm is
I am what most people call, “strange”

Sometimes, I am working like a robot
following all the rules I have been taught
but I refuse to let my morals flow loose
and prohibit my ethics to diffuse,
yet, I am what most people call, “strange”

As strange as I may be,
I am the normal human being
So, let us turn the tables,
Maybe, you are what I call, “strange”

Dear Memories

By Sanjana Kulkarni.
sanjukul01@gmail.com

Dear memories,

I would like to tell you, that I can never thank you enough

for providing me with a safe haven, whenever times got tough

But you tell me to move on, and not hold on to you

You tell me to charge ahead, “It will make me richer,” you say

You tell me to stop thinking about you, to go ahead and make more of you

I would like to tell you, my biggest motivator, my biggest well-wisher

During our next encounter, I will hug you as hard as I possibly can and thank you for never leaving my side

I will forever love you, and to forget you? Let’s not speak of the impossible

But come with me, and let’s embark on a new journey

Meet new people and together, make a whole new memory.

I am

I am afraid of losing hope.
I am afraid of never having a person to love.
I am afraid that I will never be the person I wish to be.
I am afraid that people will just let me down – no matter how many time I tell them “let me be”.
I am afraid that my lungs will stop taking in air.
I am afraid of my heart stopping, losing rhythm.
I am afraid of my skin losing sensation.
I am afraid that my heart will stop feeling.
I am afraid that, someday, I will be nothing more than a lump of bones.
I am afraid that I will not be able to find my way back home.
I want to be free.
I want to cherish all my memories.
I want to dance in the rain.
I want to sing like there was never any fence.
I want to run around like a little girl.
I want to laugh till my body cannot anymore.
I want to love a person, more than I do myself.
I want to never stop moving forward, no matter the obstacle.
I want to go on adventures, far from where I call home
I even want to fall, but I want to never stop getting up.
Most of all, I never want to stop living.

Inevitable

The darkness deepens
and the fire extinguishes
the nights are endless
the stormy rain, incessant

Dark clouds hover right above me
the lightning strikes, dangerously close to me
the numbness in my body is constant
death is near, inevitable

my ears remain blocked
my eyes continue to look bloodshot
my hands do not stop shaking
only my heart, continues beating

the lust in my body wears away
the pain in my heart numbs away
the blood dries, drop by drop
the ashes of the fire settle in my stomach

my nails turn ugly and blue
my hair is greasy and astray
my lips are chapped, far from repair
my body finally gives away.

The Dark Hole

A deep dark hole lays inside me
swallowing everything positive, bit by bit
my dark hole is fed by the people around me
it grows larger every day, not knowing it’s killing me

Ringing Silence seems to have grown fond of me
and Anxiety is getting very clingy
Self-Doubt seeks to become my best friend
but my husband, Insecurity seems to be possessive

I tell them all to go away from me
That I am not interested in their relationship
but anxiety seems to always get the best of me
my dark hole grows, day and night
not knowing that it is killing me

I cling on to my ex. His name? Hope
I pray that he falls for me again
But if my husband, the demon finds out? I wish for him.
he will come and kill it, leaving the remains at my feet
the dark hole grows, day and night
not knowing that it is killing me

My pet, Self-Destruction, keeps bringing me ideas–
so that she can see for herself, that all the happy thoughts of mine are dead, chewed to the bone
the dark hole has now stopped growing, as it has consumed me
I now rest in peace, in my self-dug grave

And darkness is all I see.

One last time

Tears streamed down my eyes as I watched him die
His eyes closed with passing time
I couldn’t look at him so I cut the pain away
My best friend was going away forever, from today
I never got to tell him I love you
Nor did I get to kiss him goodnight

But with every passing minute, my eyes poured down tears, losing the fight
He was my angel, but also my knight in shining armor
Except I never felt his shoulder when I cried on my pillow
It seems like a while now, that he’s been my best friend
But more than that, he had become a need who had a tool to mend
I loved him so much I never knew how time passed,                                                             with every drop of water, I felt his memories last

I remembered our countless laughs and our sleepy giggles                                      remembered the yearn, the goosebumps and the shivers
But now, he was dying, dying and never coming back.
He will always remain my true love, his smile, permanent
I hope I will meet him again and tell him I love him
Just to see his smile and hear his laugh, one last time.